Looking back on my first Düntsam, I realize that at the start I had no expectations. However, there was a lot of curiosity and a great sense of anticipation. Most of all I was curious to see what would be arising in my mind once the distractions caused by the busyness of everyday life fall away. I was also wondering how well I would be able to adjust to the various different circumstances that would be outside my familiar comfort zone.
The first surprise was the realization how small and superficial my knowledge really was. During my time in the Dharma I had adopted a number of habits I had observed in others’ behaviour, but as it turned out now, it wasn’t really that much. Not having had the slightest idea of how meaningful, impactful and touchingly beautiful the traditional code of conduct is, I now came to realize that our western rules and standards of politeness do not in the least produce such an expression of deep respect, appreciation and gratefulness towards the Dharma.
There were times during the retreat, when I thought everything was going quite well. The physical restlessness and the stream of thoughts stayed within certain limits, there was little inner resistance, and no difficult emotions were arising. The emotions that came up, though, were completely detached from any outside circumstances. Nobody was “pushing my buttons” – neither for the sadness that surfaced spontaneously, nor for the tears that were flowing from time to time, nor for the joy that arose immediately afterwards. These emotions came out of nothing and left the same way, to wherever that might be. This was the first time I felt I was consciously aware of the mind-stream.
My faithful companions “aversion and attachment” also made an appearance now and then. It was interesting to observe how mind is capable of dramatizing any aversion and how insistent it can be, repeatedly trying to make these dramatics look attractive. Of course, pride didn’t stay away, either. As soon as the first two were eliminated, pride presented itself as the alleged winner of this mental game.
A quote I once heard: Nobody else is responsible for how you feel – you are heaven and hell at the same time.
But this means it is up to me; I can control it, I can decide every time whether I want to have a whole film evolving from the thoughts and emotions that are arising, or not. Just like I do not have to watch any kind of rubbish on television. With this realization coming from my own experience, I am now practicing this and I can say that the “choice of programs” is certainly being reduced while the films are getting shorter.
It is an emotional relief when one starts to understand to take things as they are. It leads to a more peaceful life (experience).
During Düntsam, there were also repeated moments, when my mind was looking for diversions. But why? Was it bored? Or is diversion just the easier way?
For me, it was relaxing that we weren’t supposed to leave the area of the Düntsam during the time of our retreat, the same goes for the daily hour of silence. Not being distracted by the busyness of everyday life, a deep and flowing calm of mind set in. I would love to be able to prolong these short moments between thoughts.
It is not easy to see for oneself whether one is going in the right direction, whether perceived results are really results, if one changes on one’s path in the Dharma, or if this is just wishful thinking or even a sign of pride, attachment etcetera. However, there really seems to be a process of change happening when the ones that are close to us and know us well notice it and remark upon it. I am quoting my 86-year old mother who casually and without any specific context said: The Buddhas have changed you quite a bit. Well, then…
The journey to enlightenment is very long, but with every intermediate stop on the way I feel that it is not a journey but the way home. The second Düntsam is now just around the corner and I am immensely looking forward to the next wave of experience.
Rommy Bruders, August 2018